Only one 9-11 on my watch!

Only one 9-11 on my watch!
And other Bush accomplishments

I don’t see why people call the Bush presidency a failure. I started thinking about it, and off the top of my head I came up with 25 indisputable successes.

1 Killed the man who tried to kill his daddy.
2 Delivered our public policy from the tyranny of facts.
3 Created enough chaos in the Middle East to drive the oil companies’ profits to unimaginable levels.
4 Kept foreign terrorist attacks on the US to only one, just one more than in all of Clinton’s years.
5 Jump-started the urban renewal and gentrification process in New Orleans.
6 Cut down Americans’ viewing of sex and violence on TV by providing sex and violence in Iraqi prisons.
7 Enriched his friends by doing away with thousands of pesky government regulations, and by appointing de-regulators to regulatory positions.
8 Enriched the banks by eliminating the “fresh start” concept in our bankruptcy laws…only for individuals, though. Corporations, fortunately for business, still maintain this right.
9 Enriched the drug companies at taxpayer expense, under the guise of helping retirees.
10 Enriched the weapons dealers under the guise of eliminating threats to peace and stability.
11 Enriched standardized testing companies, like the one his brother, Neil, owns with the passage of mandated, unfunded testing, under the guise of improving education.
12 Enriched friendly companies in the business of rebuilding what our military has destroyed.
13 Enriched a lot of people by shipping pallets of $100 bills to Iraq, and not accounting for them.
14 Ensured the continued prosperity of weapons dealers by bullying, alienating and frightening the rest of the world.
15 Provided full employment and opportunity to the group of neo-cons and PNAC folks who previously couldn’t get work, because everyone in government called them, “the crazies”.
16 Increased employment and raised the standard of living in Bangalore.
17 Gave new hope to ventriloquists, a dying breed, by lip-syncing his presidential debates.
18 Found a cure for the divisiveness of our democratic system by signing thousands of laws with his fingers crossed.
19 Proved once and for all that the Vice-presidency is indeed worth more than a bucket of shit. In fact, the VP could pretty much run the country.
20 Sheparded the economy through the final stages of the Reagan revolution. At the beginning, George HW Bush called it “voodoo economics”. Son, George W. had the honor of sweeping up the shards of the capitalist system.
21 Held firm against the onslaught of third world countries, the UN, and Al Gore attempting to stifle growth and hamstring business with phony stories of global climate change.
22 Acted decisively against terrorists, terrorist suspects, and persons of interest by virtue of having a Muslim name, and assorted unlucky Afghans by repealing the Magna Carta.
23 Achieved a new relationship with Russia by looking Putin in the eye, and by reviving old Joe Stalin’s technique of disappearing people.
24 Demonstrated that anyone, even if you’re from Connecticut, and went to Groton, Harvard and Yale, can talk like an uneducated Texas roughneck.
25 Proved to all American children of inferior intellect and limited curiosity, that you not only could become Attorney General, or even nominated for the Supreme Court, you could even become the Big Kahuna himself.